!! JOURNAL 1 !!

feb 7th 1:32PM

Laurel Hell is making me [[[[[]]]]]

jan 24th 1:48PM

I lied I never reported back in about the doctor and I never will. ok^_^ right now I'm thinking about how happy it makes me when artists who are well meaning and humble get a lot of success like whenever i see someone whose small business is doing great i'm banging on my desk YES!!!!YES!!!!!! You go on.

or if they're just having a good time drawing in general. even if i've become a bit jaded in the past year about my own art it makes me feel better(..more comfortable?) knowing there are other people who can still feel that love. like maybe i transferred my energy out into the world and unto them.

I need to code a fresh new page for this

jan 18th 11:15AM

Goin to the doctor I'm goin to the doctor I will report back in later I'm very nervous

jan 16th 12:58AM

i promise this wont just become a song of the day dumping ground i just have other outlets to talk about my day

jan 13th 12:49AM

it is really important to make sure you acknowledge the special times in your life whenever you are experiencing strongly positive feeling about reading or watching or listening to something for the first time or a very particular 500th time, to sit and appreciate for a moment that all the different things happening in your life right now that combined to create this moment are ephemeral, and one day you will only be able to look back on those beautiful colorful points as a memory.

i think looking back on a memory you tend to forget a lot of the acute details of the emotions you were feeling back then, because although you may feel something about the memory itself (nostalgia, anxiety..) it doesn't necessarily contain how you felt right then, it gets lost in translation.

although isn't it wonderful when you hear a song you heard so long ago and fleetingly you're surrounded by a complete puzzle, it washes over you like a wave pool, that recollection of how the world was so sweet during that period you associate with that music.

i keep saying 'you' but of course i can only speak for myself. i hope nobody really looks at this site. ultimately i try my best to create a life that is not only fun for me in the present but will be satisfying to look back on, the future is uncertain but i have some control day to day to make something happy

jan 11th 11:45PM

I keep, my cool, this is not the time for missing you, awake, and in, a puubliic place

jan 5th 1:50PM

dec 31st 12:59AM

i'm scared it will always be this way, the fact i'm here typing this means i need to just go to sleep but i just want to tell someone how scared i am. i want someone to hear it and i want them to tell me it'll be okay and gods sake i want them to mean it even if it's just because they care about me and want me to feel better i'm so sick god damn it. i don't know what to do

dec 21st 5:17PM

tonight i hopped the fence and walked far into the woods and laid down under the conifer trees listening to my mp3 player for the first time for its intended purpose that was quite nice. when i was coming home it was so dark and foggy i could barely see ..:-)

I wanted to try and describe more but really it just looked like what happens to be my page background right now haha

dec 20th 10:17PM

today was fine i watched mcfarland; usa and listened to music and finished a drawing i should probably upload here. yippee

dec 17th 1:28PM

dec 16th 12:40AM

System Shock 1 was so good
this was a little wild though but somehow exploring the maps usually felt pretty intuitive. im sure past me would have something to say about that though

dec 14th 11:21AM

I need to listen to more irish trad music or I'm going to turn into a sliver of wood Also we're getting a tree today. I have to wonder where all my knit hats are I only have my green cap and the pink rabbit one that is so humorous

dec 12th 1:37PM

sometimes i make drawings that arent verygood and sometimes i don't make them at all and that's fine

dec 8th 6:04PM

too lazy to get my real diary out so i'll type it here but i dont know why every year on my birthday and christmas the day always just feels weird and kind of grey and lonely, yesterday didn't feel weird(er than usual) but i woke up this morning and immediately it felt that same strange way. maybe it's the pressure of something that's supposed to be happy when i'm a very low energy person who has quite the hard time showing excitement. I'm trying to do the fake it until you make it thing but I don't know sometimes I really can't help but respond weirdly to things

dec 7th 12:22AM

i should be a little different

dec 3rd 6:07PM

i like resident evil 6 it's fun and leon and sherry are really cute. that's her dad!

nov 28th 12:38AM

Narcissist moment I'm going through my camera roll and there's a lot of cute pictures of me no one will ever see (Sad about this)

nov 23rd 9:54PM

Literally don't understand why the link to the doodles page fron the art page/vice versa isn't working. What did I do EDIT: I FIX IT :-)

nov 22nd 7:45PM

posting art makes me want to go outside and lay in a dirt pit forever

nov 19th 2:50PM

Browsing Neocities is fun I don't know why I refuse to do things that make me feel better. I should update this one soon but I have been Sad Well actually I updated it like two days ago, I added a doodles page to the art gallery but for some reason the link between them isn't working so Ok. That's fine

nov 15th 11:27AM

i watched the mandela catalogue last night and it was actually a bit spookay i almost ended up sleeping with a NIGHTLIGHT ON....it had very silly moments too obviously but idk i thought it was unnerving. i'm not above having basic human instincts (Despite popular belief). sigh the power just went out but because of my weird new internet i still have wifi? i guess the "songs i listen to when the internet is out" section of my about is naught but a relic of the past. whatever i hope the mushrooms i saw yesterday are still there

nov 12th 1:30AM


nov 9th 11:54PM

not a relevant image anymore because now im listening to soad
just a stupid motherfucker if i die i die

btw i watched halo 2 today i want to hold hands with the arbiter and follow him to the ends of the earth

nov 7th 1:48AM

i'm trying to write the body text for my impending worlds.com tribute page and it's gonna be so long lol. no one will read my essay about my entire history with a random 90s app @_@ hard to write about too, i want to include everything! i want to express how much it all means it me! if i'm going to do this i don't want a shitty little page i want you to feel how passionate i am about this laced with how bittersweet it all is jeez..

there's also something to be said about my relationship with my memory, how i so badly don't want to forget the acute euphoria and detailed emotions around my experiences in life. i say i have a bad memory but deep down i think i know that most people can't just remember every single thing that ever happened to them and carry that around every day. i don't know.. i just don't want to forget who i am, you knowio9? everything is so fleeting i get scared i'll be left with nothing or something like that. but that's what makes it special, too. if i really could remember all these things at once i'd probably explode from overstimulation

something i heard once that i like was something along the lines of "there is no past or future, only an infinitely progressing present moment". comforting like it's ok to just make the most of each night and not worry so much about what you did months ago or will do years from now

nov 3rd 4:48PM

i'm actually really nervous about hosting my art on here simply because i don't want the file sizes to eat up all of my 1GB, i want this project to be long term and i just don't know enough about web hosting to know how far it'll stretch ^^' kind of paranoid about it to be honest but i see other people's sites with a lot of pics so i bet it'll be ok...i might have to compress things before uploading though what a hassle sigh

nov 1st 12:15AM

having evil thoughts about a video i want to make uh oh uh oh uh oh EVERY time i think im over this stupid thing im not and i know it always comes back but every time i start to feel a lull i think "wow is this going to be the time i finally get a life" guess what it never is. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM rrrhhhrrr i might actually have to make it now im going to go storyboard. also happy halloween

oct 30th 1:23AM

Working on this site equally frustrates and excites me but it's one of those types of things I don't think I should give up on even if I'm unsure on my choices for the aesthetic quality of any of this. This website will either not last a full year or become one of the most sentimental things that I have on the internet we'll see

You'll come to find I am, on any given night, either incredibly passionate about the wonders of human-based connection on the web or damning it as the worst thing to ever happen to the collective human pscyche and it's ruining my life. I'm going to sleep goodnight

oct 29th 10:07pm

hi i don't really feel like writing a whole first entry
so i'm just going to put the picture daisy and i drew
last night here because it's pleasant