!! JOURNAL 2 !!

june 10th 1:49pm

hi it's been a while i've been busy but i'm thinking about how weird it is that christianity permeates everything at least in the environment i've come up in. i am an atheist and my family are atheists. i wasn't raised to believe and it's not something i've fostered in myself,

so then why do i write about things and describe them as "unholy" or "godlike"? certainly because it's just concepts i'm familiar with but also perhaps because it's something so absurd to me, i think i almost do it in a mocking way. i love to mock.

may 22nd 3:02pm

aw i found joco's blogpost about the inception of "still alive".. i've always wondered how he was brought on board and how he felt making music for the game. i couldn't find one for "want you gone", though.

have i ever mentioned my interest in portal 1 & 2 here yet? i was going to make a shrine for it like the worlds one but firstly i can't decide on a layout (i still lay awake sometimes brainstorming for it) and also i've already talked a lot them elsewhere. might still be worth having to look back on though, i know i'm really glad i made the worlds one even if i still feel like it doesn't fully capture what it means to me

may 18th 1:34am

may 16th 1:56am

knowing that i was too much of a pussy to make it through system shock 2 and ended up watching a playthrough makes me want to eat wall insulation i got really scared of the monkeys. THE MONKEYS come on man. i neber learn my lesson

april 29th 12:25am

sorry all i talk about is music but day 200 of desiring to listen to unreleased song that i cannot listen to yet. i've sincerely wept every single time i've heard it in the past on now deleted livestreams the finished version is going to calcify all the bones in my body when shes finally in my arms

april 25th 2:00pm

no fucking way i've been listening to mars argo a ton the last couple days thinkin about her and she just dropped a new single WHATTTTTTTTTHHHHHHOGH HGFHMMMEGMMFMMMnjehfsndn fn. no way dude i'm so happy

april 18th 4:14pm

well anyway i'm listening to musick trying to get some energy out and now my neck feels weak as hell i won't do the youtube link thing just look it up on spotify but laser cannon death sentence is so brutal. everything about it is just disgusting especially the drums. the break at 2:00 is one of the most euphoric things i've ever heard in a death metal song and it's fucking dethklok lol

april 18th 1:15am

not feeling depressed is pretty interesting. like all the good memories i have weave together recontexualized into a life that is happy. and it feels solid and lifts me up out of the bad places. looking back now i'm surprised how sad i was, even on good days like apparently the first entry of this page was i know that it didn't last very long. and all the while i was hurting myself and i thought about how bad i wanted to die every single day.. :) i just realized something, i remember sitting outside writing a few years ago about how "all the good things in the world don't make me want to stay", and that scared me, because i knew i had to live like that. well lately the good things make me want to stay i went a little deadeyed typing that.

basically it's about being mindful of what i think and say to myself. if i wake up every day and smile and put my hands on my hips and say "i feel great today" then slowly i'll start to believe it. if you say anything for long enough it will become true. but regardless, it comes and goes, part of it won't be my fault and part of it will be because it's like a balancing act. i have to go to bed now because another trick is, you can't think about it for too long

mar 14th 10:00pm

i love metalocalypse it rides the line between having weirdly good quality animation/production and being ugly drivel, as well as the line between being some of the funniest shit i've ever seen and the most offensive. i always feel like i should be appalled but it just makes me laugh like if it catches me off guard for being disgusting that's on me for showing up to watch it

mar 10th 12:04am

humans like to have ideas for things they wont actually ever do but for most of us that's actually a good thing. when i don't have any ideas it's very boring. but it sort of eats you alive knowing you could potentially be making some great stuff and it's just not existant in the world yet because you're too lazy to put in the work

i shouldn't speak in second person i'm talking about me. i'm lazy

feb 25th 11:15pm

one more time one more time i will roll again today i know for sure

feb 20th 7:36pm

i realized recently how good of a candidate i would be for some sort of mortuary employment, although i'm not sure what the effect of being around so many grieving people would be on my psyche. oh well, it's not like i can afford to attend higher education so i guess "mortician" will join the ranks of the other random jobs i'm interested in but would need a degree for such as being a chiropractor, a nuclear phycisist, or a fitness instructor... ^_^

i can *do* the expected action for a person my age which is "thinking about what i want to do with my life" but that doesn't mean i'm in a place to pursue them. doesn't make me any less poor. whatever i try not to think that far ahead

feb 17th 10:44pm

just watched leon: the professional goddamnn i loved it although there's no way in hell 12 year old natalie portman walked away from that movie without being brutally exposed to a whole world of creeps. i can imagine a bit of how she felt from my own experiences as a 12 year old but not at that volume.

but the film is very wonderful.. it's strange to see reviews from people who claim leon and mathilda are presented as an objectively romantic relationship, i don't think that at all. i think the character of mathilda is that of a young girl who has been abused and neglected and outcasted, she feels very grown up but is still a child and clearly shows the mentality of one. her family is ripped from her, and she is taken in by a man who has only ever been kind and respectful to her, has the capacity to protect her and to hurt the people who wrecked her life, of course a 12 year old kid might mistake her feelings towards that adult for a crush. or not even by mistake, because children will be children.

leon never takes advantage of mathilda, he only cares for her immensely, finally he has been dealt a card that brings happiness instead of only strife. it is a bit silly to call a character who is a hitman pure of heart but we are meant to sympathize with them so i don't think it's too out of left field. kind of feels like i'm in a glass house since obviously mathilda didn't need to dress like that and certain moments could definitely be read as weird as hell, but i dunno. just what i think

i watched ghost in the shell last night too. i'm too sleepy to write about it but it was also quite good, i've been meaning to see it for months and months. goodnight internet

feb 12th 4:11pm

new pagey i kind of want to recode this whole thing to keep it fresh but i dunnnooo there's so much to do every day

i run a real journal ON paper so i never know what to put here :-P lately it's sunny which means i'm not de-pressed any more well only a little bit. i finished fruits basket last night but i've already talked about that, i just did a work out and now i might take pictures of my sketchbook :-? also right now i'm downloading halo mcc

i don't know here's some music

8:41pm

i'm watching the man who fell to earth (1976)
goodness gracious i miss him severely