journal 3

Ah, well.

You know, eventually I'd like to make a page to house all the screenshots I have of old webpage designs, not that there are many, but for now I'll show you the December 2020 one.


Wow. Oh! And there is a half-done Winter homepage I was toying with in 2022.


I can't really finish things.

i am really horrifically scared but also happy but also disgusted soo disgustejd gfod i feel like a ncuclear fucking bomb riighttt noww like the song i don't know i keep getting full body shivers i wish it'd snow STUPID STUPID stupid but it's not going to for a long time probably at least another month or another but it hoenstly doesn't matter because the reason i want it to is so i can feel the feeling that is THIS feeling that makes me want to kill myself so vividly so i don't know why i even want it. i think i turned it into something healthier but it's also still latent and my apathy says it's ok to have no matter what form so i don't know i just ahve to wait until it goes away.

I'M so screwed i can't stop waking up at 1pm and not being able to or wanting to sleep and i can't speak and i can't draw or write anthing meaningful. and it's so pathetic that i think that but i do. i can feel it getting worse all the time and i don't nkow what to do. no one has to worry about me killing myself because i really want to be good. i've been listening to alex g a lot again UUuugh and now i'm thinking about those types of words. really i'm not i'm still thinking about the other stuff. i was pretending

i don't know what to do at all i wish i ha d a picture to show you i guess i've been making some but you've seen thgem they're not so interesitng. sometimes i think about doing a video i guess where it's one of those sketch book tours but i light it on fire at the end as if that would mean anyhting but it wouldn't and i'd just be sad. but i shouldn't have these things. well i'd ahve to get rid of the whole...alllll of ittt......... alll offf itt.... ALL of it but i don't think i'll ever do that honestly it'll probably all be on a hard drive forever and ever until i die unless i decide to die first in which case i'll probably delet ethm first and i can do the burning thing but i don't want that to be part of me dying so i guess i wouldn't do thatbecause i don't want to announce it at all if i did i'd just show up and say bye abd maybe do some things first [like the deleiting] i think about that a lot.

i'm reading this fancition right now where he's like "if people keep you from learning how to cook and tkae care of yourself and stand up for yourself and do anything like that that's really badso i'm going to help you" and it kind of makes me feel weird and understand all the people who told me they wish he was their dad even thoguh i thought it didn't make any sense because yeah nobody cares at all if i learn how to do anything so i'd like it if someone was like that i guess. i guess he's not bad at alll which is funny because in the storyhe's a [a lot of bad things] and it feels right but i think all of it feels right and so stupid and right which has made me very happy. and then it loops back around to me being really mad again. i haven't read any of this stuff in a long time

that's what i really hate most, that it scares me because i think it's so brilliant and i could never be that way, that i could stand out like that, even though i'd never, never, never, never, never, never, want to, but that we're all very similar but someof you can transmute it into something, ocmmunicable, and i can't communicate anything. i'm like a one way reciever and it just goes in my atenna and i store it inside and people don't check on it because theydon't want me to do anything. i'm sort of calming down now. well i'm not relaly mad anymore. or shaking. i think i got so scared i gt tired and nowni'm going to go to sleep, or try to speak GOOD words a little, i relaly need a hand to hold. i should probably tell someone i need that,but everyone already knows.

my dad left me this note that's still on my desk and i don't know why i'm keeping it because i can'tl ook at it because it makes me feel really awful like eveyrthing i've ever done in the last 10 or more years is a mistake, so i might throw it away. usually i keep letters and cards and things or i don't know where they go but to be talked to like that just makes me sick b ntecause it's not right at all. and he asked me what i wanted and i gave him an answer and well that's when i got blood everywhere and got actually really sick like a fever and coudln't walk and all of that stuff that happened this month.

but ^_^ it'll give me something to do when it snows! see, now i'm not scared at all. seee? i can live too

hello blogie it's been an interesting time of tax fraud and autumn leaves and closing dead animals' eyes

two times i tried to make a new homepage, one of them is a "shoujo..springtime" sort of thing inspired by old fanlisting sites, and the newer attempt is like a "Winter depression dungeon."

but i like the index exactly the way it is. so i probably wasted a lot of hours for nothing.

^they will never get up. unless you refresh.

i should probably recode the current homepage to be responsive then...it's not nested correctly. it's hard to feel like that matters

looking forward to covering my windows in stuff and laying down outside also honestly i have been having fun playing games. do you think a boy can go to federal prison for playing games and smiling not a lot but a little

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

hi blog i've tried to write entries but i've found myself in a mood disagreeable with sharing my thoughts with strangers. but i love checking you guys' websites still... just not so much updating my own. i've been doing well and the weather is nice. ^_^

it's mostly around 2am that i feel the need to divulge things and what luck that it is that time, and i was reminded of this train of thought i did want to share:

it makes me soo sad that there's so many doujin that physical copies exist of but i can't look at because there aren't scans available... but more than that i genuinely can't believe you guys were actually printing and bookbinding and trading this stuff around?! it seriously confounds me.

i would like to own some just to have a piece of history like that, whole tangible comics dedicated to something super niche only a few people care about. that means something to me, i care about it so of course it does i guess... and the art is always so unique and full of love, or a dark horrible void in the same shape, i have a few digital copies that i treasure, they're beautifully scanlated and i just want everything like that.

it baffles me though because Oh my god i just found the most insane tag. I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT HERE I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID

anyone else think that bl is a malady upon the mortal coil
ok goodnight maybe i'll retroactively upload my other psychobabble posts or perhaps i won't, take care ☆

me

btw i've been coding a bit recently and playing with utau but i think i ruined the mix for this one. *_8 it's ok. i think i'm going to go read a little and hopefully draw today idk you guys it's hard to do anything but everything gets done by the end of the day. and furthermore i keep wearing short skirts to get mens attention and it nevar works but i don't get out enough for it to work

doodles

chii daraakeee no ai dake o kudasaiii fuuaaanndeeee why does microsoft keep asking me to sign in you know it's me you literally have my pc user profle icon loaded. barabara ni kudakesō

i took the pleasure of watching inu-oh finally, it was incredible!! my first time watching something masaaki yuasa directed!!! i find that very special...



it was the type of film that made my jaw hang open in awe at many moments, i was certainly impressed. the animation was refreshingly beautiful, i loved the environments, and expressiveness of dear tomoari & inu-oh, (avuchan's performance rocked holy shit. both of them, though) and i thought the overall story told was fantastic. the mix of historical and contemporary elements was just captivating. i laughed and smiled and gasped throughout but the ending was so... well i won't spoil it but it tugs at the heartstrings.

it reminded me a little of ongaku: our sound, another delightfully offbeat animated film about music. that one is way more comedic though of course

anyway that was probably the coolest queer biwa rock opera i'll bear witness to in my lifetime. let them sing their heike songs, damn it!

i saw 1 person insinuate zabuza is the type of political reformist that just really hates the current government and would advocate for better living conditions which is funny to me since as mizukage he would probably be as much of a capitalist warmonger as yagura if not worse were he clever enough to orchestrate it. he would make it worse U know that.

i think that he thinks he knows how the world works or should work and wants to see things get crushed because of that. i don't give him credit for like anything you show me this dude who failed his attempt at a coup and ran off with his tail between his legs and then he got tired and died how am i supposed to feel about that. dumbass...

for a hot minute i didn't even believe that people were referring to him when they call mangetsu and/or suigetsu the second coming of the demon because how is he more proficient than any of the other swordsmen.

this is stupid because the whole point is that he IS just some guy.and it's like surprise everyone is just some guy. but i don't think we get to say he was a good person he just sucks at being evil a little more than others

also disclaimer obviously it doesn't make sense to try to fit him into the timeline or compare him to yagura etc. when these things just did not exist yet but i like to have fun. and i care about this character a disproportionate amount. i bully out of my passion for hyperbole, and love

tune in next time for more echo chamber meta

i wanted to update here that over the weekend my laptop's motherboard bit the bullet, (it was having issues for a while but i really thought it was only that i needed a new charging cord... >_<)

and so i had to get a new pc. i was really deflated the whole day i received the news because i didn't know until the afternoon whether or not i had lost everything on that hard drive. BUT as luck would have it, not only did that not happen, *everything* transferred perfectly onto this new one. it's a lenovo, and it's ridiculously lightweight and sleek, same size as my old one, but with way more storage and RAM.

i honestly really love it..!! i feel so grateful that it worked out the way that it did and that everyone was so helpful and kind...

i am running win11 now and everything on my site looks so small kuku. i'd really like to update the art galleries with new pics but gosh, i've been so tired of dealing with files.

i was also working on a new page before all of this so maybe i'll get around to finishing that too. it is a beautiful summer, i'd like to take some photos of all the wild foxglove but it's all i can do not to just lay down outside and fall asleep in the sun instead.

i hope we can all have a nice week or month or year
P.S. BACK UP YOUR FILES!!!

unaffiliated 7 was today as i posted about and it was really fun. i love those guys they blow it out of the water every time in terms of hahrd fucking tunes and happy energy.

this october. be there or be square(pusher)

in other music news i uploaded a random song off a cd i downloaded just for accessibility, i've had it for a while, but i'd never visited the associated site before and it's a fun little peek into events that transpired a decade ago.


it was interesting reading one of the dj's (current, 2023) blogposts about hosting a show at a school that had been shut down!
we'll find any way to be together, yeah?

some-thing i regret is not learning the proper way to format a website and have it scale for mobile + more screen sizes from the jump.

it's a selfish way of coding, not considering anyone else. it was so frustrating figuring out html for the first time that while i was trying to get a handle on things i didn't want to think about optimizing it for a platform i don't use.
(i don't own a mobile phone.)

(on a personal note, i have always felt like no matter how hard i try i am actually incapable of learning new skills in anything other than a half-assed way, like a curse. this is not an acceptable way to think because just because something is difficult doesn't mean i can simply give up. it's important to put effort into learning the right way to do things, and accomplish them to the best of my ability regardless of my erroneous idea that i merely "can't.")

but i do really like it here and the peace of mind it gives me

get a little better every day

the other day i took the snowflakes off my window and changed my browser theme so no more happy snowing world it's happy springtime world wow i really want this to end as if there's a clean conclusion



sometimes it is scary googling anything pertaining to these pricks i try not to but like all the suggested search reuslts are. i don't know. it's not exactly triggering but it's like woah! woah now. easy (i'm talking to an anxious horse)

i get tired of it as if they don't somewhat exist to be examined in relation to each other


lol

anyway malice mizer is really good right and i didn't even know that before

don't feel like much of a person today so maybe i'll type a little. lately i have been enjoying playing yakuza 0, which i'd like to be doing right now, and at night i've been reading a chapter or two of dorohedoro..

i feel like i could live in q hayashida's art which is why i read it so slowly; it's like savoring a decadent dessert. her creativity continues to intrigue and surprise me although i've thought for a long time that the setting of the comic feels so catered to my specific interests that it would likely be a familiar place to reside, and it is, and i find it relaxing in that way.

her bold rugged inking has such a masterful attunement to the detail of texture and form, it's so beautiful.. i get excited and happy that i even get to look at it. the writing itself is delightful and funny. ebisu and fujita are incredibly amusing i'm glad fujita is actually part of the ensemble because i was smitten since the chapter he marched up to the door with that huge rifle slung around his scrawny neck lol like who the fuck is this guy. i also like en for reasons that are predictable, and KAIMAN.

(or maybe not predictable i'm not sure that anyone including myself can predict what kind of guys i like)

(cleaning an inordinate amount of blood out of carpet) wow this is just like ichi the killer

what do you do when you only want to listen to the same 2 my bloody valentine songs again and again well apparently i can do that


haku to look at i got from somewhere special

i did do most of the stuff i needed to anyway and i even took a walk
but i didn't want to draw at all which is probably good because i keep making weird pictures o_*

getting really into a book or a tv show is the same as falling in love where suddenly every song becomes about it and it's funny because you'll end up linking the most unrelated random shit just by consequence of liking them at the same time

my favorite lemon twigs concept album about a monkey going to school IS NOT ABOUT ##### ######







my obito amv

happy smiling world i had a nice morning talking to my mom about linguistics and then i took a walk and my packige arrived while i was out



i'm reading a lot of books already but i'm excited to read it and to have it

i might take this down later because it has my real voice in it but for now enjoy

when i first watched haibane renmei i didn't really understand why rakka was deemed sin-bound just because she like. didn't feel capable of talking to people about what was hurting her? that she carried bad things in her past, and felt alone? like how does that make someone cursed if none of that is really one's fault but nowadays ohhhhhhhhh. ohhhhh. i see now

i love that show though i'm glad i got to watch it

Nobody cares about this except me although I guess what this blog is for but man the Krieg dlc for Borderlands 3 still makes me miserable.

Namely the OST, Finishing Move did NOT have to go so hard on it. The distorted piano synth at 0:37 in Sapphire Starlight gets me physically sick.
A Goosed Caboose? Don't even start. I should maybe replay BL3 but I'm scared because it's bad

hi :-)